How To Land That Job You Always Wanted
When seeing a job, and writing the ever-important resume…
…why do we feel it necessary to portray sense of accomplishment through an array of confusing adjectives to land an interview? Is it just me, or isn’t it apparent that if you hire someone who is obviously a bull-shitter up front, that they’ll be a bull-shitter on the back-end too? And the same goes for the flip side. Do you really want to work for a jackass that is so easily entranced with the use of a thesaurus? …Wait, there’s that money thing, never mind.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the next time I update my resume, instead of wasting the time to try and conjure up some sort of clever description about the person I wish I was, I’ll just put a big picture of a thesaurus right smack dab in the middle of the page.
And if I’m not completely disillusioned from the realization that I’ve been condemned to the life of a working stiff for the next 40, 30, 20 years of my life (instead of the jet-setting adventurer I’ve always imagined myself to be), and I can somehow muster up the effort to put on a pair of clean pants, scrub the dog shit off of my all-purpose (wedding/interview/funeral) black leather shoes, and iron my pathetically obvious all-purpose (first date/Christmas party/interview) collared shirt to deliver my resume in person, I think I’ll actually bring my prospective employer a pocket-sized thesaurus with tabs on all of the pages with impressive, important-sounding, words.
Then, through a convoluted combination of grunting and pointing, I’ll convey to them that despite my utterly pathetic appeal, I am truly representative of all the things I’ve highlighted with yellow mustard on the pages bookmarked with the little napkin pieces.
I would imagine that my distinctive, blasé, this-is-who-i-am-in-a-bag-of-chips approach would impress them so much so that they would be overjoyed to end their search through the lackluster others out there, and offer me a job right there on the spot!!... with double pay and an extra squirt of benefits on top for being so gosh darn clever!
…and if they don’t appreciate my sincere approach to finding a job (aka: a place to rest my brain between those sporadic spurts of life), that’s OK, because I didn’t want to work for those assholes anyway.
